the difference between Trials and trials

yesterday and today are the two challenging days for me, days where I have to reexamine myself, to take myself aback and do major reflection. as you can see in title, ya... the difference between Trials and trials is, the latter is even discouraging that the former.

I begin my first day of class with full of excitement. Monday morning, with my dark blue shirt with the ever nice uitm tie, I went to the cafe and have my usual cup of tea and fried rice. went to class, got back my English essay paper. not bad, I scored an average mark. even as I got into the physics class... the trembling comes. and come a wind rushing and distributed itself into fires on tongues... lol

I got back my physics paper... it is better than my 3rd topic test. 70+ begin to be be my dreadful number. perhaps I put too much hope. but anyway its what most people got except few brilliant ones who scored 90+. Even as I browse through the paper, I thought I could answer most of the paper, but why still I can't score what I wanted? silly mistakes, full of them, contaminating the paper.

The afternoon, I went to IDP (agent that handles our uni application) to get my letter for the interview for the University of Adelaide medical programme. Joyously we went to Subang, went to the office, and got our letter. Initially in the morning, there's some number of around 10+ people who didn't make it for the interview, so I'm quite proud of myself getting one. (not bad ah me!) I took the letter without looking at it, and off we went to have lunch in Asia Cafe. As soon as I bite my first bit, I glanced through the letter. Awwwww!!! Ohhhhh!!! *$#%$#@#$@# What?

Dear Choon Wei Wee,
We have recieved your PQA test results. Unfortunately, we are sorry to say that YOU DID NOT SCORE enough cut-off point to get an offer for our Medicine program. However, your results qualify you to opt for our Dentistry program instead, and I am glad to invite you for the interview this thursday.

YOU DID NOT SCORE! DENTISTRY??? pulling out teeths for the rest of my life?? a big blow to me. i mean, so many people got the interview. all non-malay student got the interview except one, and you are saying that I am another one? How can I be so ..... bad? my results are above average, i mean i did quite well in PQA, my mind was sound, I could be confident with my answers. Why? Why?

even now, I am still asking why? is this the trial that God wants to give me after my Trials? then today, i got my results for another few subjects as well. Expected it to be not so good due to the fame that AUSMAT trials is purposely made hard, but did not expect me to score averagely, similar with my fellow classmates. Why I can't get higher than average? am I too kiasu? or am I just not the 'brainy' kind? I don't know.

but 'I know whom I have believed', like what the old famous hymn goes. Bad days, good days, God works out for good for those who loves Him. even when circumstances are bad, He has a good reason for it, and I want to be excited for what greater trials He will heap on me next because His purpose is good and pleasing at the end, I know. I messaged a few of my friends and colleagues, exaggerating "I want to die!", but deep inside I know that life is worth the living just because He lives.

Because He lives,
I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives,
All fear is gone,
Because I know, I know,
He holds the future,
Life is worth the living
Just because He lives

the word of God also challenged me yesterday to rise up from this failure and disappointment, to press on further to study for His glory, to pursue excellence. In Proverbs, Solomon says, "hey sluggard, look at the ants!". Truly whatever I sow, I will reap. and today I can testify that I will strive no matter what to fulfill what God wants me to do here in INTEC. but that doesn't mean I need to worry about my outcome, whether I will pass or fail, because my life is in His hands.

praise God!

fauzi wee
failed doctor-to-be, future 'pencabut gigi'